“Dear Ex-Best Friend, I'm glad that we finally became acquaintances again after 3 years of no…”

Dear Ex-Best Friend, I'm glad that we finally became acquaintances again after 3 years of not speaking. I wish that we had done so under better circumstances. It is approaching one year since my mother's passing. Which means this Wednesday will be one-year since we re-met again for the1st time. It is quite a sad week for me. When we met, I told you a lot about the feelings I had as a teenager that led me to break apart our long time friendship. I spoke about feelings of depression, anxiety, and angst. Still, I do not feel as though I told you everything. When I was 13, 14, and 15, I was dealing with something I did not understand. I was plagued by unwanted, disturbing thoughts & feelings. I thought I was going crazy. I only began to understand things about sex & sexuality when I was 13 and that's when these thoughts began. Puberty didn't help. I would be at morning announcements and I would try to concentrate on what the teacher in front of me was saying, but I couldn't stop random thoughts. Kissing them. Thinking about their breasts. Thoughts all. I didn't like these thoughts at all. I don't know if I'm attracted to women, even now more than 6 years later, but I do know that I wasn't attracted to every girl at the school. Especially girls who I strongly disliked. But, the unwanted thoughts did not discriminate. My brain supplied images I did not want to imagine and I had to push them away. You might remember sleepovers where I was mightily uncomfortable sharing a bed. Part of that is my inherent prudishness but the other part was my unwanted thoughts. They scared me so I pushed you away. And ultimately I pushed you all way away. Maybe one day we will be more than acquaintances. Part of me truly hopes so. Yours, Your Ex-Best Friend

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