“To The Man I thought I'd Marry, I see you. I see you there with her, on the street outsid…”

To The Man I thought I'd Marry, I see you. I see you there with her, on the street outside the bar after closing, faces pressed together, oblivious to the world. I see you secretly checking your phone when you think I'm not looking and smiling to yourself. I see you lock your iPad now - that's new. I see you look at her the way you used to look at me. And I see you look at me with mere remnants of the feelings we used to have – love replaced predominately with contempt and obligation. You think I don't know that I've been demoted to second – place in your eyes, but I do. You think since I retain the title, since we continue to share a home, that I am content. I am not content. And I am not stupid. What I am is paralyzed. Paralyzed with fear over truly losing you for good paralyzed with indecision over what my next move should be, paralyzed because I cannot fathom how it fell apart so completely, how I could be so wrong about you after so long. But most of all because despite all of this – all of your misbehaviors, lies, and cruelty – I cannot fathom my life without you in it. I look at you sitting on the other end of the couch, and I wonder how someone so familiar to me became a mystery. I guess it's true that you can never really know someone. I wonder when - when was the moment that you first decided to throw it away, that your first thought "she's worthless" and "I don't love her anymore" when was the turning point in my feelings didn't count? When did you decide to check out, to decide that I no longer mattered to you? Sometimes I wonder if you even know. I wonder if you could go back, if you would do anything differently. I wonder what I did to deserve this. Sincerely, The Woman That Loved You