“Dear First Love, I wanted to apologize, so I’m doing so now. This letter that you’ll never…”

Dear First Love, I wanted to apologize, so I’m doing so now. This letter that you’ll never receive, an apology for what I did. Although I should talk to you, I won’t, because, if I hurt you, you did hurt me more. However, this is not a letter about what you did or what you did not, but about you. I think I still love you, in someway, but I need to ask you to forgive me. I’m seeking forgiveness, not because I could still be in love with you, but as a relief. I felt like a godamn son of a bitch for beating you, degrading you. You’re a woman, and I came from one. I know how it is a person can love, and it comes from a woman. But I felt betrayed, untrusted and disappointed. It happens that hurt people fire back, and that’s what happened. I didn’t mean to be mean or hurt. It’s just a revenge feeling that consumed me with anger. That’s why I rejected your friendship, that’s why I told you “that the only thing I could want from you is an apology or meaningless sex and neither of them will bring back my friendship towards you.” That’s why our paths diverge nowadays. However, I can understand if you don’t want me anymore in your life. I can live without you, learning to love someone else, but even if someday I ask you in person for forgiveness, and you still hate me, I don’t care. I would have my relief. So here I am. Forgive me for leaving you alone. Forgive me for not staying anymore. Forgive me for when I stopped to care. Forgive me for I cannot go back to the past to help myself to see how things really were. Forgive me for not trying anymore. Forgive me for such dickeries. I hope you are happy nowadays wherever you are. Your First Love